By Joshua Shafer  

Writer/Reporter 

Oh, look. Another graduation season, which means another round of social media’s finest amateur philosophers telling us why celebrating anything is a microaggression against the current state of the world. 

How dare you put that polyester gown and square pagan catholic headdress on us and fake smile while checking notes that wildfires in northern Minnesota exist? Someone, somewhere, is having a bad day, so clearly you should hand back your diploma, weep softly into your ramen, and post a 12-part Instagram or TikTok money grab story about your existential guilt. The backlash is truly breathtaking in its performative purity. 

And speaking of purity, let’s discuss the brave soul currently clutching their pearls over a Louisiana university president who dared to suggest, gasp, shutting down a graduation based on the state’s enthusiastic graduate who inspired others to join her antics. I’m not opposed to his statement. Shocking, I know. There is, in fact, a time and a place. And threatening to cancel a ceremony might be the appropriate level of theatrical chaos we need to remind everyone that actions have consequences. 

Which brings me to a beautiful little hypocrisy sandwich (not made in Brooklyn, NY) served warm with a side of irony. Isn’t it amazing how the very same schools that love to posture as anti-Division 1, the ones that sniff at big-time athletics and preach about academic purity, are also the first to clutch their pearls about artificial intelligence? Oh, they’ll wag their fingers at ChatGPT all day but watch them turn around and use AI to “introduce their customers.” Because, let’s be honest, that’s what we are: customers. Paying customers. And what do these glorious institutions do with their fancy automated name-reading software? They destroy the introductions just like what happened at the University of Minnesota this summer during graduation. How would you like to be $100,000 in debt – your name, your credit, your soul – only to walk across that stage and not even have your name pronounced correctly? Not mispronounced, mind you, but mangled into a linguistic crime scene. Because the powers that be are too lazy, too cheap, or too busy patting themselves on the back for being “AI-forward” to say your name. But heaven forbid a student use Grammarly on a discussion post. 

Anyway, where was I? Right. So, here’s where I part ways with the angry mob. While they’re busy controlling the narrative and crafting the perfect clap-back tweet, I’m over here asking a far more inconvenient question: Are you more concerned with being the puppet master of public opinion, or with inspiring the experience of the people who, you know, pay your salaries? Let’s not pretend we don’t know the answer. 

And while we’re at it, let’s not get into who truly sets the expectations for “appropriate temperament” when you’re drowning in a lifetime of debt for a diploma that came with a false bullshit guarantee of quality of life. You’ll hang whatever framed plaque on your wall to justify whatever existential crisis you’re avoiding. We all do it. 

So, here’s my radical proposal. I’m not threatening anyone. I’m simply asking. And I’m also going to eat Italian food – only at establishments connected to authentic family traditions, with or without ties to the four boroughs, when I skip the threat of temporary consequences. Thank you very much. 

But I will also respect it if you want to completely lose your mind because you unlocked the gates of hell from the inside. You made it. You did something that not one single person connected to your bloodline has ever accomplished. 

 
So, congratulations. Be you. Be free. And please, for the love of carbs, save me a breadstick.