By: James Heider

Grief can rear its ugly head at the most unsuspecting times.

I was on a warpath the first 48 hours after my dad’s death. Looking to settle beefs with everybody that ever did him wrong. With a frenzied vigor, I was willing to burn bridges with even my closest family members and friends. Vengeance and guilt fueled my sleepless nights. As more and more condolence texts and calls came flooding in, I put aside my differences and calmed down. Realizing, that there is so much more energy spent in hateful grudges rather than simply forgiving.

So I forgave. I forgave his family, forgave my father, and most important, forgave myself. I believe some of my anguish came from the guilt in our receding relationship. My dad and I didn’t always have the best relationship. We would occasionally go months without talking, and he wasn’t very involved, but my dad always tried. Whether it was eating out at Leann Chin’s while I was a teenager or bonding through our shared love of sports, he did the best parenting he could with what he knew.

In my short 27 years on earth, I have unfortunately experienced a lot of death, but with the passing of my father, the grief became nearly unbearable. I have had uncles, aunts, a cousin, and a friend all pass away. Some within only a month apart from each other. I have become a sort of grizzled veteran in this aspect. After a loved one’s death, it feels nearly impossible to escape the quicksand of self deprecation.

There’s always thoughts in the back of your mind:
“If only I reached out sooner”
“If only I could’ve helped them”
“If only I was able to say ‘I love you’ one last time”
“If only I was able to see them one last time”

These thoughts are natural throughout the grieving process, but can be deceptively harmful. If you pour your heart and soul into the what if’s, it can lead to a life full of regrets and perpetual longing for what used to be. The harsh truth is, the show must go on, but there are healthy ways to honor the deceased.

You must give yourself patience, and allow yourself to feel the full range of emotions that comes with the grieving process. It’s ok to feel sad, angry, disappointment or confused. It’s natural to not know where to go next. A healthy outlet like journaling or painting always helped me, and exercise when I have the energy. The dense brain fog can be staggering at times, but you have to remind yourself of the little things that you got accomplished, like folding laundry or taking a shower.

As of writing this, my dad had passed away a month ago and the wound is still extremely fresh. Sensitive to the touch, bleeding through the loosely wrapped bandage, it can re-open from hearing a Hall and Oates song or reading a Patrick Reusse article. While I process through my own grief and emotions after the funeral, I can only help to accept that my father is in a better place. I believe in honoring the deceased for how they would want to be remembered, appreciating their virtues and absolving their faults. Despite the tragic ending, he lived a beautiful and wonderful life. I have fond memories of playing golf, watching mobster movies, ordering pizza for the Super Bowl and coaching me in sports as a child in our backyard. I will remember him as the loving, caring, hardworking stand-up man that he was.

Still crying as I sort through the picture boards from his funeral, my heart is heavy and my eyes are tired. The grief comes in waves and they don’t stop rolling, you just learn to navigate them better. To go with the current and ride.

Holding his ashes in my hands, memories flood and emotions swirl. Reminding me of times old and new, good and bad. I still have trouble wrapping my head around his death, but I feel a deep resolve to keep chugging along. I know it’s what he would’ve wanted, to perfect my craft and give it my all, but most importantly, have fun while doing it and enjoy the process.

As the old saying goes, time heals all.
Here’s to brighter and better days ahead.