Life of a Bleeder

By pooG Da Bleed God

I find myself in my cell cutting my right arm. After the first cut, I cut it again and then I cut again. I’m worried. I’m not worried about how deep I’m cutting my arm, or where I’m cutting. I’m worried about getting caught by correctional officers. If I get caught, I’ll go to seg [solitary confinement] and be punished for my expressions I commit on my flesh. This is a beautiful thing and it’s only when I sunder my flesh that I truly feel beautiful inside and out. I have to be careful, because if I’m not, blood will seep through my sweater. So I make sure I have band-aids to stop the bleeding.

This is more than just feeling good. I love to cut myself. I’ve been cutting since 2006, when I was 12 years old. I started cutting my face first because I didn’t like my face. But then I fell in love with cutting my flesh and can’t maintain my sanity without it. The reason this is important is because mental health is a thing. There are more people that are incarcerated that need to cut and for there to be rules against that I feel is bogus.

Let’s just say I’m an emotional cutter, and I cut when I’m sad or angry. To not be able to release that anger or sadness is not okay, especially if they’re not hurting anyone else. Funny thing is, most cutters are not suicidal. So why do we get treated like we don’t matter? The reason I say we get treated like we don’t matter is because I feel our feelings aren’t considered. Like we don’t know when to stop. To be honest, this isn’t something I would want to stop later in life. Cutting is what I’m going to do forever.

Actually, if I was to stop, I probably would commit suicide.The bad part is the fact that we’re misunderstood more and more every day. I don’t mean to kill myself, I mean to please myself with blood. Some people might think it’s stupid, but we’re not harming anyone. To be honest, we barely hurt ourselves.

I was talking to my brother, Noah Rhode, and asked him if he thought cutting was stupid. His exact words were, “I mean, I think smoking’s stupid, drinking, drug use, and eating sh*t food is stupid. So, yes, I think cutting is stupid, but I smoke, I eat sh*t food, so I can’t judge how you like your life, especially with it not affecting other people.”

Trying to understand the [prison] policy is difficult because of my perspective, and trying to understand other peoples’ perspectives is hard. Where does that leave us?