Minding the P(ints) and Q(uarts)

--Julie Carlson

"Beer: the cause of - and solution to - all of life’s problems."
-- Homer Simpson

It’s sort of an astute dichotomy that one of TV’s stupidest, most buffoonish cartoon characters is allowed to wax poetic - and even better that it’s about beer. Mmmm...beer...

BEER: from the “under-a-dolla-make-ya-holla” 40’s, to over $10 for a single bottle specialty, beer is something of the common denominator in the liquor world. No other liquor inspires such fierce brand loyalty as the Budweiser versus Miller debate; and at the same time, beer drinkers seem more likely to compliment each other’s tastes (when it corresponds with their own, naturally).

It might seem gratuitous to address an entire subculture of people based purely on fermented hops beverage consumption. But beer is hardly particular to a select few -- it is a pillar of human civilization.

Mesopotamia (that fertile crescent between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers in modern-day Iraq) is generally acclaimed to be birthplace of civilization, where man relinquished the nomadic, hunter-gatherer lifestyle to put down roots…literally. The main motivator for settling was agriculture. What did they grow? Wheat, to make bread. And beer, of course.

In the beginning, the fermentation process was more or less understood as magic. Brewers weren’t particularly sure how it happened; they just knew that wheat, barley, hops and water made a delicious, golden-colored drink. These early beers, 8,000 years old, were ales. While the process has changed slightly, the ingredients hardly vary.

Ales are top-fermented at warm temperatures, which is where the fruity, robust, distinctive taste comes from. The name comes from the German “alt” for old or aged. Ales are the signature beers of Belgium (where brewing is something of an art form, and, like wine, beers are served is corresponding glasses) and the United Kingdom, who introduced their pale ales to the New World in the 17th and 18th century.

The Brits were bringing beer to America before the country got its name. In almost all colonial settlements, one of the first structures to be erected was a brewery. For much of history, it was safer to drink beer than water, and the colonists took no chances (although I’m sure they had other reasons for the breweries). The beer-making process involves boiling water at high temperatures to extract flavor from the wort, and the purity of the water has a direct effect on the end product—hence the emphasis on water for beer instead of drinking water. The disease-causing bacteria in water were not quite understood in the days of bloodletting and leeches.

As the immigration floodgates opened, more and more methods were introduced. Czech settlers brought their pilsners (invented in the city of Plzen); Irish contributed stouts and porters; and the Germans...well, coming out of a country where beer is a staple, their influence cannot be understated. Especially on lagers.

Compared to ales, lagers are tykes in the brewing world, having only been made since the 15th century. Lagers are bottom-fermented at lower temperatures, helping the yeast to sink, and are rounder and “cleaner” than fruitier ales. Lagers should also be drunk at cool-room temperature because extreme coldness will mask the flavor. Germany’s signature brews - Dortmunders, Oktoberfests, and others - are all lagers.

The majority of mainstream beers in the USA today are milder lagers produced by mega-breweries. In response, there has been almost a backlash in the form of microbreweries. Microbreweries (or craft breweries) are small breweries that focus on quality and diversity rather than price and advertising (and generally strive for a higher proof as well). Their popularity has soared in recent years, with almost 1,500 in existence in the United States alone. Their distribution is usually regional, thus making microbrews all the more coveted from state to state. Dogfish Head, Fat Tire and New Glarus are all microbrews.

The days of beer being safer than water to drink are long past; but just as beer brought people together in the formations of civilization, beer today is means of bringing friends, family and strangers together. But before you guzzle that pint, bottle or glass, give thanks for your company, whether they’re lifting Bud, Miller or O’Doul’s. My Scottish/Milwaukee-beer aficionado family is fond of this toast, always led by the most senior member of the party:

May the best you have ever seen be the worst you will ever see.

May the mouse never leave your grain store with a teardrop in its' eye.

May you always stay hale and hearty until you are old enough to die.

May you still be as happy as I always wish you to be.