Mothers and Non-Mothers:
Conversation continues about identity and stereotypes

-- Katie Kraemer

Last April, a group of women and men came together at Metropolitan State University for the groundbreaking conference Mothers and Non-Mothers: Identity and Stereotypes, hosted and led by Carolyn Whitson, associate professor in the Language and Literature Department.

The purpose of the conference was to share stories, give mutual support and raise questions about the challenges women face before and after choosing to become a mother or not. In her keynote address Whitson observed that no matter what a woman decides, she is sure to expose herself to the scrutiny and judgment of others, which then often becomes internalized.

“Many women in our culture are carrying around an internal, daily dialogue about their choices and their experiences—as though they are on trial for being who they are,” said Whitson. “One of the scary things is that these dialogues continue long after the choice has been made or the mothering has been done."

"It’s not enough to be a mother or not and live the life—there’s a prevalent, persistent feeling that one’s choice is subject to public commentary and critique—that one’s mothering could be stolen from them by anyone who disapproved of their choices and ‘outlaw’ thoughts."

For a year prior to the conference, Whitson had been drawing together dozens of women’s stories for a book. In the process, she was struck by the force of women’s responses, particularly by the fact that many women, sensing in Whitson a sympathetic listener, wanted to tell their stories privately; and yet they declined to go public, even anonymously.

These women seemed to feel that any negative expression of the mother/non-mother experience would awaken their own inward sense of shame or provoke family or social repercussions, said Whitson.

Last spring’s conference was created in part from a desire to create a safe space for questioning, listening, supporting and registering a spectrum of ideas and experience. According to Whitson a dominant theme raised throughout the discussion was that our culture regularly subjects women to the mother/non-mother question, as though it were a prime, essential category that every woman needs in order to explain to herself who she is.

Encouraged by the conference’s success and by the growing collection of stories for her book, Whitson plans a third phase in her project. This coming March she will host a series of panels to spotlight those women whose voices form the complete picture of the personal and cultural aspects of the mother/non-mother question.

These panels would give witness and honor to the particular ways women who identify themselves as African American, Latina, Asian, American Indian, immigrant, homeless, working class, disabled, lesbian, bisexual and transgender reflect on their identity and experience as it relates to mothering.

According to Whitson, the discussions would begin with an assumption that listening to each other will bring insight on both a personal and a cultural level, the necessary starting point for social change.

In Whitson’s words, the panel discussions would give credit to women for the seriousness of all life experience around mothering and non-mothering.

In describing the women who have already shared their stories with her, she noted she had encountered none of the cultural stereotypes her newspaper or TV told her she’d meet.

“I met no welfare queens, no women breeding like rabbits, no prom queens getting abortions to fit into dresses, no one passing off the dirty work to her immigrant nanny, no sadomasochistic lesbians using their adopted children for satanic rituals, no childless women eating bon-bons and reading French novels indifferent to starving orphans around them,” said Whitson.

"Are there such people? Perhaps enough to fuel talk shows and to stampede the self-righteous to the ballot box."

“The best-kept secret is that most women lead lives as serious people, and they take their responsibilities seriously, even and perhaps especially, when people judge them to be failures.”

In the spirit of invoking women’s power to improve their own well-being and to work for social change, Whitson said she presses women to grant themselves and each other a sense of triumph.

Without exception the women she has talked to, either by choosing their path or having it thrust upon them, have devoted themselves to “living by [their path] and trying to live it well and ethically,” said Whitson.

According to Whitson, if women persistently remind themselves and each other that this is the true nature of women’s reality, then they can act on their choices, however complex, with a sense of triumph, free of shame.

In this same spirit, Whitson said she calls on Metropolitan State University’s vibrant community of women to submit stories, poems and essays, and/or take part in the panel discussions this coming March.

To indicate an interest and/or initiate a conversation, individuals should write a note, which includes both an email address and a brief indication of what particular identification they want to talk about regarding the mother/non-mother experience, and leave it with the receptionist at the College of Arts and Sciences reception desk located on the third floor of St. Johns Hall, St. Paul Campus.

To contact Whitson, email Carolyn.Whitson@metrostate.edu.