A Woman’s Place:
Celebrating Friendship

-- Jc Drobac

When I received a card of celebration in the mail the other day, I had to wonder why. It wasn’t my birthday or a holiday. So when I read the card that lauded me as a "terrific friend," I was stuck questioning the accountability of such high praise.

Turning it over and over in my brain, I wondered if I could uncover any books with research results of qualities "necessary" to high-caliber friendships. I had no idea what I might find, but was excited at the prospect. So began my search.

A surprising number of thin, lighthearted books on friendship were available for adolescent girls. They touted masterful ways to get and keep a friend; how to be a good friend; the absolute deal breakers for friendships; how to resolve conflict in your existing friendships; and even insight into the power of these magical, youthful friendships. And yet, the findings for adult women and myriad dynamics of these friendships were much harder to come by.

In the adult nonfiction section, I was mired in books about friendship with your mate within a marriage; making friends in a difficult workplace; and how control freaks and shrinking violets can rise up from their patterns and fit into the "social norms" of friend relationships. Alas, information for a seemingly simple concept such as qualities in strong female friendships eluded me; they were coming up as the alternative solution to other issues, not as a primary concept; nothing even remotely delving into the dynamics, nuances, blatant no-no’s, etc. The teen book section had us beat by a landslide.

The Internet proved equally disappointing and bookstores weren’t so helpful either. I had about given up on the concept altogether until the most obvious discovery dawned on me: my friends! Who better to give realistic, down-to-earth examples of what real women require in their friendships—and for us to see how we measure up. The answers that follow come from five decades of women at obviously differing points in their lives. And their beliefs of what make up a good friend turned out to be as wonderfully varied as they are:

When I asked Charlotte,* 34, what was her baseline necessity for those she deems "friendworthy," she said "The obvious: trust. If I can’t trust someone—whether that means with keys to my house, or around my husband—then I can’t let my guard down and be myself with them. There’s no future friendship with someone like that. Women have to get over the willingness to sell each other out. I know of a lot of women like that—but fortunately, I know of plenty more that aren’t. The latter are keepers."

"What do you most adore about your best women friends?" I asked Liann,* 41, mother of two under-four-year-old kids. She answered, "You know, if you’d have asked me that even five years ago, I would’ve given you a completely different answer. For now anyway, my friendships with other mothers are those based on our children, for the most part. I think what I most adore about these women I trust intimately, is the sense of total understanding and lack of judgment I get from them. If any of us are in need of extra help, we all just pitch in to help each other out more where we can. Maybe it’s a single mom thing. But there’s no competition," she emphasizes. "It’s a seriously good support system. And though I see less of my single friends, we tend to talk more on the phone or meet for dinner as a group less frequently. I’ve tried to keep a balance there."

Katrine,* 50, had even more detailed reasoning to her choices: "I need to know that I’m accepted for whatever I’m going through," she says. “I have some friends who are great when it’s sunny, and others who I can count on when it rains. But I’ve become strangely aware of how few people are really skilled at being ‘well-rounded friends,’ I mean being able to offer strength in both arenas. Some just can’t handle the visceral intensity, they need to keep it light all the time. And then others seem to almost be upset when things are going well for you, like there’s a jealousy or something. Finding people who are strong enough to offer polarity is priceless."

Mona,* 29, was firmly committed in her answer to what’s key to maintaining a solid friendship. Her immediate response: "Good friends don’t stand each other up for a guy. Your friends are hopefully going to be there a long time—guys don’t always last."

For Angela,* 79, friendship is about "other ladies who enjoy a good meal and entertainment the way I do. No stick-in-the-muds! I like to laugh with good company while I’m having some good cooking!"

As we honor Women’s History Month, don’t forget to celebrate the here and now—the women in your life who make up your history, your present, and with a little luck, your future. Women friends have the power to comfort, encourage, empathize, be brutally honest with, and be blissfully understanding of us; it’s no wonder we value them so much in our everyday lives. This month and every month, celebrate the women in your life.

Jc welcomes your comments on what makes up a good friendship. Write to her at drobacje@go.metrostate.edu