Whenever we speak of taking care of ourselves, if we do at all, we usually do so quite apprehensively, anticipating (if only from our own hearts) the dreaded charge of “selfishness.” Stemming, perhaps, from a sincere effort to defuse this charge, many flee to another extreme, selflessness, which is no more admirable and no closer to the truth. Selfishness is exploiting others to meet our own needs and is, indeed, odious. However, many perceive selflessness as its opposite; the goal to strive for, and some even regard it as a mark of sainthood.

Selflessness is a total disregard of our selves to meet the needs of others, which at first glance may seem noble yet, in truth, is anything but. It is not only illaudable but foolish. Selflessness does not counteract selfishness; it leads to it! For when you ignore your own needs long enough and become depleted, it can lead to resentment, anger, and taking from others to offset your emptiness.

Lamentably, the predominant Scandinavian-Germanic culture of this area, generally renowned for its non-assertiveness, discourages self-care—either directly or indirectly. Many deem it a saintly act to pour themselves out for others yet never see the inherent fallacy of their reasoning. They’re conditioned to view their own needs negatively, as though the needs themselves are fundamentally selfish, but this sophistry can have dire consequences.

Self-care is so essential to our well-being AND the well-being of others—to their care and compassion—that we dare not fall into the trap of deeming it a selfish enterprise. We must jettison the pseudo martyr mentality that compels us to give and keep giving until we’re spent. It is not altruistic to give oneself away until there is nothing left to give. We cannot afford to be sympathetic to a self-enervating attitude that subtly persuades us that it’s a noble goal to become an empty vessel, a hollow shell. That does no one any good. Quite simply, “to give” presupposes we have something to give! A dry well is useful to no one and is good for nothing.

The biblical directive, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself” is often cited to instruct against selfishness, but it does not endorse selflessness. Notice the last two words, “as yourself.” Why do you think they’re there? Why not just “love your neighbor”—period? Because those last two words strengthen the previous words. They raise the preceding statement to a higher level, a higher standard, so that loving your neighbor as yourself strengthens the whole concept of loving your neighbor.

This rests on the obvious assumption that loving yourself is a good and requisite thing. Far from advocating a doormat philosophy, it declares that the standard, the reference point, the measuring stick in loving others is—you! It affirms, “There is no greater way to love your neighbor than to love him or her as yourself.” It’s based on the premise of a healthy self-love (not to be confused with narcissism, which is an excessive love of oneself with a complete disregard of others—synonymous with selfishness and egocentrism).

The inference is clear. If you don’t love yourself, you won’t be able to love others because you’ll be trying to get from them (consciously or subconsciously) what you’re not giving yourself—and giving to get is not really giving; it’s merely lending or emotional bartering. If you’re operating from a deficit, it’s seductively easy to fall into a vicious cycle of using others (though perhaps quite unknown to you) to get what you need; selfishly attempting to fill your lack at their expense, which departs radically from the concept of love and brings us back full circle to the idea of trying to draw water from a dry well.

Rather than an act of love, this becomes merely an exercise in futility…or worse. It becomes parasitic. Again, remember the emotional vampire. This is the danger of neglecting your self-care! Can you imagine a relationship between these? It becomes a degenerate, sordid power struggle; each one exploiting the other, vying to get his or her own needs met, and it decimates any chance of developing a healthy, loving relationship.

We must strike a hearty balance between the extremes of selfishness and selflessness to promote and maintain a healthy self-care. You can give of yourself without giving yourself away. Like ripples on a still pond, when you take care of yourself and are at your best, your altruism will be untainted and you will affect others in ways far beyond your awareness.

So, what are you doing to love and nurture yourself? How are you cultivating the landscape of your own soul? It’s a question you can’t afford to ignore. How can you feed others unless you’ve stocked your own cupboard? Can you give them drink or has your well run dry? You can only give what you have. I urge you, be good to yourself so you can be good to others. Take care of yourself so you will have something to give. For it is precisely yourself—your most authentic, best self—that is your greatest gift and is what helps people the most.

I welcome your comments. Feel free to write me: autumn.nights.forever@gmail.com