In This Issue

Woman undeterred from quiet cell phone
Mount Orchardpinewaterhillgrove, MN—Nearly three weeks after a date with a man she calls, “My beloved, heart’s desire, soul mate and spiritual partner,” Sherry Thomas, 28, has yet to remove her eyes from her Nokia N85 8GB cell phone. “I haven’t heard from him since, but I’m quite sure, actually, let me rephrase that—I know that the two of us are meant to be. We had a connection; he’s just playing hard to get,” said Thomas via telephone interview. According to Thomas’ friends, Thomas has neglected her college classes, housework and overall bathing habits. “We keep telling her that he’s not going to call,” attests best friend, Tammy Harris. “But she doesn’t listen to anyone...

Paperwork takes over Metropolitan State University
In a rare strategic move, Paperwork announced today that it is taking over Metropolitan State University. At a meeting on March 30, 2009, attended by all the forms on campus, a vote confirmed the ever present need for more Paperwork and it was determined that the only way this could happen was if Paperwork actually took over the university. “It is important that students and staff alike realize how important paperwork is,” stated SWAF. “The more Paperwork there is, the more efficiently we can get things done.” There seems to be some contention among forms as to exactly which forms will take over...

Putrid pudding puts out Pamplona plane passengers
A trans-Atlantic flight bound from New York to the Spanish city of Pamplona was diverted on Sunday to Barcelona International Airport after as many as 24 passengers sustained food poisoning. According to an anonymous, unknown spokesperson with Hospital Clínic i Provincial de Barcelona, at least 22 people were transported to the hospital after having been served chocolate-mustard pudding during the flight by unknown, anonymous flight attendants. The hospital spokesperson said that all the affected passengers were in...

Shattering lamp shop burglary
A local store specializing in windows and lamps was burglarized Friday evening, according to unknown, anonymous police officials. “Fast Ed” Glassberg, owner of the shop, remained distraught when contacted by The Metropolitan on Wednesday. “I’m just shattered by all of this,” he said brokenly. Some police officers are also experiencing emotional pane over the break-in, mirroring Glassberg’s thoughts. Of special concern to police is the theft of several rare lamps, and a police spokesman said he still could not shed additional light on the case...

Boeing to build world’s most inefficient plane
Renton, Wash.—Boeing Corp. announced today that several high-profile CEOs have contacted them to start design on a future-changing project that will allow the US to be the new world leader in fuel inefficiency. “We’re really excited about our plan,” stated John Igor, CEO of Coal, Inc. “I think this will allow the US to become a serious competitor in the inefficient fuel market, considering all of the other US markets has been going down the crapper lately.” Blueprints have not yet been released for the new design, but Boeing has announced that they have used un-recycled paper to draw them up and will not release them to any source that will print them on recycled paper. “We think that these plans are just too important to print on recycled paper,” stated Jill Waste, designer for Boeing. “I mean, why would we print something...

Giant spiders attack metrodome Michigan State-USC game postponed while damage is assessed
Round Two of the NCAA basketball tournament has been postponed due to an invasion of massive spiders. Identified as arachnid shelobess, the spiders descended upon Minneapolis, Minn. by scurrying alongside the multitude of coach buses. They have been living unnoticed for some time in the Target Center, until the phrase “Some Pig” appeared over Mark Madsen during a game...

Your GPS may be trying to kill you
You know that nice friendly voice on your GPS? Maybe it’s the woman with the nice British accent, or the man that sounds like James Bond, or the one that sounds like your grandma...well, it might be trying to kill you. In a move that hasn’t been attempted since MapQuest decided to lead you astray in 2003 and landed you in the Warehouse District with all those rabid dogs, your GPS has decided that it isn’t sure if it knows exactly where it’s going anymore. You may have noticed that Bond doesn’t sound so sure when he tells you to turn left, or when he tells you your destination is up on the right, it’s because he knows it’s nearly the end...

Paul Blart: Mall Cop sweeps 2010 Academy Awards
In keeping with their efforts to make the Oscars more in touch in popular culture, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has opted to cancel the traditional broadcast in 2010 and has presented every Oscar to Kevin James and the Paul Blart: Mall Cop team...

Heritage meets higher ed meets humor
During the month of April, Metropolitan State University is celebrating Asian American Heritage Month, an outgrowth of the strong Hmong population in the Twin Cities over the past two decades. Although you can take in a dose of serious history, the scheduled events also include a comedy show, a panel discussion on adoption and self-identity and a hands-on course in Japanese floral arrangements. The events highlight some expected trends in the Asian-based student population, and some unexpected trends...

CHC provides eyes, ears, voice with nationwide listening tour
Geared towards addressing national and international issues affecting Hispanics in the United States and Puerto Rico, the Congressional Hispanic Caucus (CHC) is committed to serve as a voice about the impact policies have on the Hispanic community through the stages of a legislative process. The organization plays a major role with providing a forum for the Hispanic Members of Congress to come together and form a compiled legislative agenda. As the CHC draws priority on all issues governing the Hispanic community, committee members branch off into small task force groups which focus on their expertise and in developing a legislation of precedence within all fields...

End-of-the-Year Celebration for Nursing Student Organization
Graduates of Metropolitan State University’s nursing programs will be honored with a special treat when professional actress Pippa White performs at the annual End-of-the-Year Celebration, sponsored by the Nursing Student Organization (NSO), on April 22. The performance will narrate the lives of people who changed the nursing profession and health care. The End-of-the-Year Celebration is just one of many events the NSO puts on yearly. Aimed at bringing nursing students together to support ...

SSC Corner: Human Rights
The rights of humans are something usually never contemplated unless there has been a life-challenging violation of those rights. Taking the time to consider how one would like to be treated by others is an intelligent way to approach life. The first step in deciding how we would like to be treated should be to consider how we would like to interact with others. When we decide on the approach we want to take with others, it’s an easy guess to see how we would like to be treated in kind; give as if to receive. Should these steps be taken by everyone, it could create a tolerant existence for all across the planet...

Obama’s write-hand man
It’s nearly 3 a.m. Holed up in his stark one-bedroom condo with the only piece of furniture—a blow-up mattress—he’s fueled by caffeine and an impending deadline as his fingers diligently strike the keys on his laptop computer. He’s been at it for hours; painstakingly scrutinizing each word, each sentence. His only respite: occasionally sneaking in a quick game of Rock Band. Does this evoke images of the archetypal college student jacked up on Red Bull, cramming till the wee hours? Upon first glance, the life of Jon Favreau...

College students join together for grassroots learning movement in Africa
One Laptop per Child is beginning an internship program in which up to 100 teams of university students from around the world will distribute thousands of XO laptops to children in Africa this summer. Partnering with schools and non-governmental organizations in Africa, undergraduate and graduate students from around the world will provide educational opportunities that facilitate self-expression and exploration for children. One Laptop per Child is providing each team with 100 XO laptops, related hardware and $10,000 for operating costs. Student teams will have the opportunity to attend an orientation workshop in Kigali, Rwanda from June 8-17. Afterwards, they will spend nine weeks in an African nation, working directly with local community partners to integrate the XO into primary education..

Golf fundamentals
Golf is a sport almost anyone can play. The secret of the game is really quite simple—it’s all about the golf swing. A golfer first needs to learn how to grip the club and take the proper stance, then focus on the swing technique. There are three ways to grip a golf club: the interlocking grip, the Vardon (overlapping) grip and the baseball grip. When a person, especially a young person, starts out playing golf, the interlocking grip is a logical choice because it affords the best chance of both hands working together as one. If you’re a right-handed golfer using the interlocking grip, place your left hand at the top of the club and wrap the fingers of the left hand around the club, then grip the club with your right hand just below...

Manitou Ridge Golf Course The Metropolitan’s tour of public golf courses continues
Golf in Minnesota is unquestionably popular. If you have any doubt, consider that a number of courses opened for the season on Saturday, March 21, awash with 60 degree temperatures and sunshine. Never mind the fact that the weather turned schizophrenic days later, with snow and sub-freezing temperatures; after all, this is Minnesota, and it is early spring.Manitou Ridge Golf Course in White Bear Lake (owned by Ramsey County’s Parks division) stands as a microcosm of golf’s popularity in Minnesota: Manitou’s organized adult leagues are already...

Online tutoring gives students a break
The biggest “break” some college students need this spring is relief from those midnight midterm panic attacks. Most students know the feeling—the big test looms, but there’s that one concept that still eludes them. Sweat beads form, the heart pumps faster, the hands of the clock continue their unrelenting march toward test time. But relief is now just a click away, with Student of Fortune, www.StudentofFortune.com, a thriving online tutoring marketplace that matches college students and their questions with tutors and their answers. It all takes place online, in real time, day or night. It’s about matchmaking—matching the academic question...

Beer Me (gonzo-style)
Spring break. These two syllables make the framework of Strausbaugh’s heady, alcohol-infused memoir that breeze through eight days illustrated by a tornado of extended metaphors, ellipses and brutal honesty (nothing is off-limits for the author, even if it includes demeaning himself). It gets a little dizzy at times, and the plot isn’t always entirely apparent—but that’s what spring break will do to you. Written from his own memories but feeling strangely generic, Strausbaugh re-creates the spring break world of ambiguous morals fueled by MySpace sponsorships and Jag bombs (but mostly beer … lots of beer), and where the hot tub is always desecrated by...

For the Schubert Club, it’s business as usual
Though attendance is down, a strong donor base and consistent fan support keep the Schubert Club riding high one year after their 125th anniversary, says The Club’s Box Office Manager Tessa Retterath. According to the Schubert Club’s Web site, www.schubert.org, The Club was started in 1882 as The Ladies Musicale (TLM) and was Minnesota’s “earliest recital-presenting organization.” Soon after TLM’s inception, their purpose shifted from social gathering to live performance. A goal of establishing “a high standard of musical excellence in St. Paul” was set. Because of that commitment to musical excellence and an eye toward mixing emerging artists...