Is your glass always only half full?
Identifying self-defeating behavior

-- Jc Drobac

We’ve all met them—or secretly know we are them—the woe-is-me individual who, while feigning a weak smile or crying buckets, describes their unfair plights in life. They may be bailing out a friend or relative from jail (though they are already financially strapped) or are saddled with kids and receiving no support from their spouse. Maybe they complain of being constantly passed over for promotions, or see themselves as being repeatedly "dumped on" by their friends, lovers or strangers. This individual isn’t embarrassed or reticent to discuss their problem. On the contrary, the well-situated martyr lives in denial, and relishes the attention he receives from voicing his self-proclaimed injustice; he wears it like a badge of courage.

At http://www.coping.org, a Web site devoted to self-improvement, 10 basic questions are laid out to help you determine if you (or someone you know) fall into one of these categories, and what to do about it.

Martyrs, explains the site, are people who recognize they are being taken advantage of and choose to remain in the situation. They may even let others know how unfairly they feel they are being treated—some even brag about it—still they continue to stay tucked in to the mistreatment.

Those living in martyrdom will "often knowingly continue to enable or set up situations in which their rights are violated or ignored. This...is like a prediction or prophecy of failure into which, consciously or unconsciously, the martyrs play, fulfilling the prophecy," explains the site.

Sympathy for their plight, in the forms of support, advice and help from others, is often a calling card of a martyr. Yet, no matter how much of this is obtained, they tend to ignore the suggestions given by caring listeners and remain stuck in their schism, unwilling to leave but quick with myriad excuses for why they continue on doing what they do.

Some may even feel it is their lot in life, choosing despair that comes from staying over guilt that may follow leaving. For others, the fear to change the status quo is their main hindrance; they are "comfortable" in living what they know is a substandard quality of life. And still others are just lazy to leave.

And while some may appear to show willingness to change this destructiveness by leaving or changing what’s not working, martyrs are invested in their self-pity, and change and accountability are not akin to the martyrdom lifestyle, says www.coping.com. They are often so caught up in their own problems that, when asked, many are certain there is no solution.

While it’s safe to say we’ve all held short-lived pity parties for ourselves (aka “the blues”), what separates most of us from a dismal state of martyrdom is our willingness to take charge of the disparity in our lives and refuse to live within it, usually long before the helium goes out of our party’s balloon bouquet.

Determining ownership

Still unsure if your badge reads “Martyr”? Try these exercises.

Ask others in your life if they see you as a victim or martyr regarding problems you’ve expressed. Welcoming feedback from those closest to you can either help confirm or confront how you view your actions.

Keeping a journal listing the pros and cons of your actions and reactions can be a method more comfortable for those who favor discretion. In your journal, describe how you believe you confront the issues you come across.

Overcoming self sabotage, notes licensed mental health counselors Dr. Steven C. Berglas and Dr. Roy F. Baumeister on the Web site www.gradda.home.isp-direct.com and based on their book 'Your Own Worst Enemy: Understanding the Paradox of Self-Defeating Behavior,' involves learning how to reduce your emotional distress factors. Doing this involves separating what you want from what others want for you—or what you think might please others. "Give yourself permission to be who are you are rather than what you think is expected of you," says the site.

Self-sabotage is "most harmful to the martyr. He or she never achieves what they want—respect, appreciation and to be valued—by wallowing in such a state as martyrdom. They remain in an everlasting state of arrested emotional development by not pushing forward and standing up for themselves or changing the situation."

Taking ownership of self-defeating behaviors is the first step to overcoming such strong and often longstanding morets of living. Coming clean and making a concerted effort to stop complaining and start making effective changes is the second.

"You can’t change other’s behaviors," states the site, "but you are in control of yours. So when you change your action with how you’ve previously dealt with something, you will get a different reaction—and that’s a powerful start."